Running on Half Empty
So here we are in the still of the night, the time the bogey man comes out to play. These last few weeks have been stressful, but then again, in the soap opera that my life is, what is normal anymore?
Heading off to court next week, and everyone is acting like its all my fault for what happened in June. I am getting fucking sick and tired of everyone's laying the blame on me. Yes, I am responsible for part of the problem, but I know it takes two to tango as well. I am finally making a positive move here, confronting my fear, and taking this asshole to court. Unfortunately I live in a household that deems, 'you're the female, therefore its your fault'. There is never someone to listen, only to criticise. So I am stuck listening to my parents telling me how lucky I am to have my fiance (something to the effect, 'you should be glad he still wants you'). Of course I have the standard as well, that the way that you dress determines what men will do to you.And the coup de grace, my father's little comment yesterday, "you're so young, you don't know anything about the world." Irony and understatement of the year if I ever heard it. Let's just count the things that make me naive.
1. Having my heart broken when I was 19, and getting $2000 stolen from me (which was never recovered)
2. Having suicidal thoughts because I couldn't explain my feelings (and even trying to kill myself)
3. Almost losing my fiance due to an accident a year ago
4. My mother being away and almost losing my father to a serious heart attack
5. How about this one: being raped, and then blackmailed into sex, and now being stalked (by said ex-boyfriend)
Please tell me which one of these things demonstrates my inability to understand the workings of this world? Sometimes I think its a wonder that I am still on this planet today. It is only because of the few people who understand that I am just trying to survive. But of course, I am female, right? So that means I will live with my "Original Sin" for the rest of my life. What is it that Hamlet says to Ophelia? (excuse my paraphrasing) 'No matter how pious you act, you are still a whore after all' Well, looks like Shakespeare lives on...
Heading off to court next week, and everyone is acting like its all my fault for what happened in June. I am getting fucking sick and tired of everyone's laying the blame on me. Yes, I am responsible for part of the problem, but I know it takes two to tango as well. I am finally making a positive move here, confronting my fear, and taking this asshole to court. Unfortunately I live in a household that deems, 'you're the female, therefore its your fault'. There is never someone to listen, only to criticise. So I am stuck listening to my parents telling me how lucky I am to have my fiance (something to the effect, 'you should be glad he still wants you'). Of course I have the standard as well, that the way that you dress determines what men will do to you.And the coup de grace, my father's little comment yesterday, "you're so young, you don't know anything about the world." Irony and understatement of the year if I ever heard it. Let's just count the things that make me naive.
1. Having my heart broken when I was 19, and getting $2000 stolen from me (which was never recovered)
2. Having suicidal thoughts because I couldn't explain my feelings (and even trying to kill myself)
3. Almost losing my fiance due to an accident a year ago
4. My mother being away and almost losing my father to a serious heart attack
5. How about this one: being raped, and then blackmailed into sex, and now being stalked (by said ex-boyfriend)
Please tell me which one of these things demonstrates my inability to understand the workings of this world? Sometimes I think its a wonder that I am still on this planet today. It is only because of the few people who understand that I am just trying to survive. But of course, I am female, right? So that means I will live with my "Original Sin" for the rest of my life. What is it that Hamlet says to Ophelia? (excuse my paraphrasing) 'No matter how pious you act, you are still a whore after all' Well, looks like Shakespeare lives on...
posted by Vixen at 12:53 AM
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